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I dreamt that I was walking with the two doctors from the show "Nip/Tuck" but I was in a realationship with the dark-haired one.� I can't remember what happened but as we were at this affair, something occured that made the both of us mad at the other.

As we were leaving the function, I kept looking over at him, knowing that any one wrong word would have us really ugly at each other.� I knew that it would only take one word.� He knew the same.� So we both kept our conversation real low keyed.� Very careful with our words.� The tension between the two of us was so tight.� However the entire time we were walking out of the building we were holding hands.� And all the while I was looking in his direction, even though I was mad as all get up, I felt all of this love and admiration for him.

When we got outside we walked the other doctor towards his car.� I turned to go back, I think it was the building or the car, when he stopped and looked at me.� We both looked at each other.� Again, carefully with our words we sort of apologized to each other.� Then we kissed.� Not a nasty kiss, nor a sexy kiss.� A passionate kiss, filled with love.� And as we kissed it made us feel closer to each other.� We stopped kissing for a while, looked at each other and started kissing again.� While kissing I noticed that he had some dirt like substance on his back that I brushed off.� Then I hugged him, feeling all of this love for him.� We kissed again.� I told him how much I loved him and admired him.

I woked up wondering why in the world I had that dream.� I then realized that it was not because I had a crush on him, but it was because I was, no am missing something, no missing the romance in my life.� That dream pretty much stayed with me all day.

I will be 50 in February and I have been looking for that romantic type love for the past 40 plus years.� Guess it may be too late now.� Or maybe I need to find something else to fill that void instead of eating and cat--napping.

Hopefully with this reconstructive surgery on my knee in January, I will be better able to walk again, return to school and work, and get out and do something nice for myself.� It has been 6 plus years that I have been off work because of this knee injury and everything has changed.� I don't really want to be stuck complaining because there are others who are worse off than me so I guess shut up is in order and finding something for me positive to do.

This past Thursday I had to go see a vocational rehabilitation counselor and was that a trip!.� Let's see for me to have a knee that doesn't flex or extend, I had to walk up 10 steps, then 5 steps, then 8 steps, then 4 more steps.� And after all that I got to walk back down those steps.� Why would a voc-rehab counselour have an office up on the second floor since she knows she's dealing with a client who may have a lower extremity injury?� Damn!

i'm so happy.. it started snowing this week. although it started raining too. =( its already december and there's lots of christmas shopping to do! SO MUCH SHOPPING SO LITTLE MONEY.. CHACHING

I want to get a second piercing . NOW.

�loves

�blahee

The closest thing i've ever felt to love was this.

It's the scariest feeling in the world. But at the same time, it's the best.

It's hard to say if it's love.

But, it's the best thing to it.

This the first of hopefully many.... I'm not a big writer my docter says it might help me so i should try. At this point in time i'll try anything that will help. I'm trying to save myself from drowning. Life hasn't been a friend to me but not that it is for anyone. I just never saw this. People go threw problems and some do alright while others don't. I myself suck at life. I cut myself. I'm trying really hard to stop its bringing me more problems then it solves. The last time I did it they called the MP's. The firefighters were here along with an ambulance. I was transported to the hospital and they locked me up in a mental ward. I was trying to kill myself I just could'nt find a way to handle what was going on in my life. My boyfriend is leaving soon. He had been light in my dark tunnel. He makes me wanna better myself rather then destroy myself. I still don't quite know how i'll deal with but for his sake and mine i'm gonna try. So imma drink some water and move out. lol.

Ive Been Off school all week again with tonoslitus it really hurts, but i went to see the nurse and she put me on Erythromycin tablets. their some sort of antibioic. i allergic to penecillin so it was my only option. on monday at school i am supposed to do a prosuction in front of my peers. about the vistorian era. but the problem is I DONT KNOW LINES OR ANYTHING. but not to worry, i might get a little sad about my frends doing it but not me i will just enjoy the production. me watching GREAT. i will justs it at the back unnoticed. but i wont mind. its better than heraing my frends talk the way through plays nd stuff we watch. when i go back all my frends jump on me andf yell my anem and hug me. when i went back after my big they said. it was really quiet and lonly the place seemed dead, but there are over 1000 ppl in our school. but they said without me dark and gloomy i bring happiness and brighness to uniforms they are black and white how cna u make them nicer haa

SOOO i am sittin at home...trying to keep my self busy and not thinking of my situation...well starting yesterday i am sitting listen to the conversation that my mom is having with her friend...i dont like it and how she is talking about my dad and the past..past is the past..damn.. yea it may mean u dont trust him but ppl do change..while they kept going and i was defending my dad trying not to chose side i got pissed off and left..

cont,, to today i get home from the gym and she started on my about my dad...i dont wanna hear..then she make comments which are uncalled for...im freakin 21yrs old ill eat my damn food the way i want to...soo i suggested that we do family conceling she really needs to kno how she talks to ppl is not right and y ppl either get pissed off at her...

AHHH

more will come